Elemental Mentality
by LxIsxJustice
Summary: In which Tony is evil, Bruce is diabolical, and the other Avengers will pay! "—and iodine and thorium and thulium and thalium." Everyone grits their teeth. That…is their least favorite part. Pure crack. Tony/Bruce. Rated for nerdy innuendo.


**This…I honestly don't even know what this is. This was written from my hospital room, at 2:56am, while I was on some very powerful meds. So…yeah. I personally enjoyed writing it, because I am a nerd, and if someone used the innuendos that are later in the story, well, I would probably swoon. It's like the Big Bang Theory T.V show. Anyways, I will probably have to explain a lot at the end so that no one has to look any of this up. But the song that is playing is called "The Elements" by Tom Lehrer, and it is the single most beautiful song ever made. I suggest you listen to it while reading. ;D There is Tony/Bruce and dirty language of the nerdiest kind. Be warned. This is crack.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Marvel, or its characters, or any of the elements, or Mr. Lehrer. You really,**_** really**_** don't want me to.**

_Stark Towers, Living Room, 1:47 p.m._

Shit has just gotten serious.

That is all Clint can think at this moment in time, as the god-awful song blasts through the entirety of Stark Tower, for what is legitimately the six-hundred and sixty-sixth time. That is such a perfectly fitting number for this song sent from Hell that Clint glances around nervously to make sure Satan hasn't finally come for his soul.

"MAN OF IRON! I DEMAND THAT YOU CEASE THIS HORRENDOUS JUMBLE OF WORDS THAT I CANNOT UNDERSTAND RIGHT NOW!" a mighty voice booms from somewhere in the tower. He nearly falls to his knees and worships Thor right there. There _is _a God and he _does_ hate science! Praise the AllFather!

…The song does not stop.

"—_and iodine and thorium and thulium and thalium."_ Everyone grits their teeth. _That_…is their least favorite part.

"SON OF STARK, YOU WILL NOT SWAY ME WITH AN 'ELEMENT', AS YOU CALL THEM, WITH MY NAME IN THE TITLE, ALTHOUGH I AM FLATTERED THAT MEN OF SCIENCE HAVE HEARD OF ME! DESIST THIS INSTANT!"

"I say it's time—well _past _time—to do something about this," Natasha is staring into a glass of hard liquor. When Natasha drinks at all, you know she's had enough. Enough to kill someone. When she _stares _at her liquor like it holds all the power and answers to killing Tony Stark, well, dying is probably going to be a pleasant alternative.

"_There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium—"_

"I agree! I can't take this anymore! I don't know who invented this song, or even who named these elements, but they all need to be shot. In the head. And so does Tony," Steve walks into the room, gripping his head like it's going to explode, and a manic gleam in his eyes that no one has _ever _seen on the peaceful captain before. Everyone frowns; if good-natured Steve is threatening to shoot someone, this needs to end soon, or the Avengers are going to rapidly disintegrate into the Destroyers.

"—_and boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium"_

"Fuck!" Clint suddenly screams, falling to his knees and rocks back and forth in panic. "I'm having a goddamn flashback to fourth grade! Ohgodohgod, I don't want my project to explode! Don't explode, please, don't explode, I don't wanna wear the Cone of Shame!"

"_And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium—"_

Natasha pales, quickly moving to kneel beside her fallen friend. If he has nightmares tonight about the Cone of Shame, Stark is going to_ pay_. With his entrails. When Thor storms in, they all take one look at each other before standing and sprinting to the lab.

_Stark Towers, Tony Stark's Laboratory, 1:49 p.m._

It has probably been booby-trapped to keep them out. They are going to risk their lives on this mission, but it will be worth it when Stark cowers before them.

They sneak towards the door, Natasha using a bracelet scanner to check the area for a few different types of traps, including but not limited to poison darts, a giant rolling boulder, and Loki impersonators. If Tony ever pulled _that _stunt again…

"_There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium—"_

They quickly get to the target room, Clint and Natasha watching for enemy spies while Thor and Steve proceed to break the door down. If they're honest, they're surprised they even can, considering most of the Tower has been Hulk proofed. Speaking of which, where is the doc—

Oh.

"—_and argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium."_

Bruce Banner lies asleep at a lab table, gadgets and test tubes and needles and an iPod lying near his hand. His hair, which is almost always tousled, is messier than usual, and his sleeves are rolled up to reveal I.V and needle marks that have been made recently. His face is peaceful, and content, and _Awww_, Is everyone's first thought. Natasha clears her throat softly—which is freaking Clint out a little, because Natasha is anything but soft—and Bruce stirs after a moment. "Wha—?" he asks sleepily, and wakes to find everyone staring at him like he's a kitten or something.

He rubs his eyes like a child and blearily asks, "How long have I been asleep?" Clint feels _so_ bad for waking the Doc up. It looks like he hasn't had sleep in days.

"_And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium."_

"Um, well, long enough that the song has played a few times," Steve says, wondering why he's not upset anymore. Maybe it has something to do with the Doctor's rumpled shirt and the fact that it's clear he had a hard day and really, the song isn't _that_ bad…

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, you guys! I didn't mean—you could have woken me up…you didn't have to…" Bruce sounds so lost that Thor actually gets tears in his eyes and gives him a hug.

"Never fear, Son of Banner! Mistakes happen, and you weren't Tony trying to make us go mad on purpose!" Thor says loudly, clapping the startled man on the back. "We will leave you to your rest. Er, would you be so kind as to turn that mumbo-jumbo off?"

"O-Of course! I can't even _tell _you how sorry I am for letting that happen. You know I'd never try to annoy you guys on purpose," he says, blushing and shaking his head at himself. He turns of the music before the last verse.

"Of course not, Bruce. We'll leave you to your sleep. Might be a good idea to try a bed next time," Natasha chides like a mother hen. At his awkward nod, they all glance at each other and file out to go about the rest of their day.

Except…none of them can get the song out of their head. Maybe it's because the last verse is what sums it all up, but Natalie and Clint turn to their iPods, Thor and Steve sit near the CD player, and they all listen to the song once more. Or twice.

_Meanwhile, in the lab…_

"It's okay, they're gone, you can come out now," Bruce says to the empty room.

A shadow emerges from a closet nearby, an eerie blue glow coming from its center. "Good work, Doctor. The plan has succeeded. Muahahahaha!"

Silence. The two men look at each other for a long moment…before bursting into uproarious laughter. "O-Oh my god, their faces! Holy shit, and I got it all on camera too!" Tony shrieks hysterically, clinging to Bruce like he's going to pass out. The scientist is not in much better condition.

"And—and Thor! He gave me a h-hug! Did you see Natasha? She's going to…be an awesome mother someday!" They laugh until their sides hurt, and then they can't breathe, so they just clap like brain-impaired seals. Eventually, they regain a bit of dignity, and stare at each other for a long moment.

"This makes us evil, doesn't it?" Tony asks with a smirk.

"Positively diabolical."

"Well, have I ever told you just how _positive_ly lucky I am to find someone that charges my _ion's_ the way you do?" Tony purrs, leaning in close to Bruce's face.

"Mm, I don't think you have recently. Maybe you could show me your appreciation by telling me how _fusion_ works and then disprove the Pauli Exclusion Theory with a bit of molecular _tension_," Bruce responds innocently, grinning when Tony's eyelids flutter a little.

"You tarty thing, you_ do_ like dirty talk. Just a much _better _kind than what I was trying before. Well, my good doctor, if you will accompany me to my _natural_ habitat and we can begin the Circle of Life once more."

"Tony, we're males," Bruce chuckles. "Men can't reproduce. Yet. You can work on that if you want. But, on that note, I would very much like to see you try to perform the Brolga mating ritual."

Tony frowns. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I'm afraid that would require confetti, a dance club, and etiquette lessons. The first two I'm fine with, but I set the last etiquette instructor's clothes on fire when she tried to teach me how to light a candle 'properly'. How the hell can you _not _light a candle properly?"

"Well, you did set her on fire, so the obvious—"

"Aha! I know; I'll do the Bonobos ritual instead." He wiggles his eyebrows and Bruce takes a moment to appreciate just how nerdy and alone they would be without each other. He wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Alright, I can settle for that."

"By the way, you stopped the song before the last verse. That wasn't part of our scheme," Tony says confusedly. He thinks 'crazy as a box of cats' is a more apt description of Bruce's expression rather than anything Loki can hope to come up with. _God, he's beautiful._

"No, that was _my_ scheme."

"You brilliant, _brilliant _man."

They saunter off towards their bedroom, humming the Element Song as they go. When the last verse is to be sung, Bruce's low voice sings his own lyrics.

"We are the only ones with which the scheme will remain covered, and there will be _many_ more, and we will never be discovered."

Never let it be said that Tom Lehrer didn't know what he was unleashing.

_Finis_

**Do I dare ask you to Review? …yup. Here's a bit of background knowledge. I think the fusion and tension and ion innuendo should be clear.**

**The Pauli Exclusion Theory—Scientific law that two molecules (or 'things') cannot inhabit the same space at the same time. You can all guess how these two are going to 'disprove' that. Lol Thorium...**

**Brolga mating ritual—considered the most elaborate mating ritual of any species. It involves two Brolga birds (they're a type of crane), with one partner throwing grass into the air (hence, confetti) while performing an original dance and simultaneously trying to seduce the mate with various types of food, bedding, and trinkets. After the two couple, they will mate for life, and every year the ritual is performed again to 'keep the spark alive'.**

**Bonobos mating ritual—slightly less elaborate than the Brolga, but not lacking in intensity. Between the two primates, they will groom each other as if going on a date, and then 'wine and dine' each other. Then they will engage in kissing (they're some of the few mammals that do) before mating begins. Their techniques are surprisingly similar to humans', and they almost always cuddle after their coupling. The next day starts a 'honeymoon'-esque mindset where they will mate on almost every surface they can find.**


End file.
